A while back ago I started to have this thought: Why do so many people put in the effort to improve on themselves only after a breakup? Perhaps if they tried while in the relationship, they’d still be together… So, eventually I came up with a conclusion – Don’t wait to be great.
Alright, that statement is very broad is could be taken as extremely insensitive, but hear me out. Of course I understand that a traumatic event will always result in new perspectives and self-reflection. So I’m not literally asking why do people try new things after a tough separation. I’m also not at all saying everyone who’s been heartbroken only has themselves to blame. My statement is specifically directed at the concept of “comfortable”. Being comfortable with oneself and one’s expectations.
This thought turns out to be something that has always been pressuring me from the inside. Whenever I’m with some people I really like, or truly value, I ask myself this question, “Am I being good enough?” ” Is there something I’ve been missing?” “Am I being too selfish/ immature?” “What would she/ he think about my decision?” “What if I’m the sole party thinking about this?” “I don’t want that to be like this.” “Can we work this out?” And then, these questions became chaos in my mind where in the middle of the night thinking like Albert Einstein, never figuring out any answers, tho.
One of the reasons behind this motive is, I’ve once read a blog saying that people only wants to improve or change themselves after knowing something they treasure has slipped away from their hands, then they say things like, Oh! I’m gonna become a new me! Gonna have a new haircut, go to that yoga class, work out everyday, maintain a good diet, or pursue mindfulness to be wiser! We tend to change our minds/ appearance/ behaviour only after something we know is lost. We put ourselves in all these different situations and challenge our norm, then it maybe lead to something good. Enlightenment, learning new skills, new perspectives. So the question must be asked… If all these challenges- that push us, that are uncomfortable, that are strange- are ultimately beneficial and positive… what were you waiting for?
But recently, with talking openly to another close friend of mine, I was reminded of something.. “love is love is love is love is love, where it happens like water – true, deep and free.”
The concept of free isn’t something that you try to ignore or let your partner to be alone, but being together, yet feeling so opened up and motivated to become a better person together. The idea of together is totally opposite from the above, because slowly I realised that sometimes we selfishly think that people have conflicts because of one’s personality or disadvantages, but any kind of relationship is based on more than one person, so it always requires not only one, but efforts from different parties to be maintained, to keep strongly bonded, while feeling having the space to be yourself. So, it’s not about “you” or “me”, but “us”. Rather only pushing yourself to change, try to slow down and relax, observe and figure out a way to be free with someone and merge yourselves suitable for each other. Do what truly makes you feel natural and happy.
No matter if whoever she/he is to you, all matters is to stay true to yourself, then eventually you’ll know whether this person is what you are suitable with, by seeing if you guys can accept each other’s past, present, and making promises for the future. Vice versa, if you really value someone’s existence in your life, then you would gracefully accept who he/she is for the present moment, regardless maybe you hate or something from his/her past keeps bugging you. That is honestly a fair deal from both sides, from what I know now. Any forms of relationships take commitments, and they require you to make constant choices, so as far as I know, the key is to stay true and honest to yourself and others. If you don’t want something, then don’t do it; if you really want something, then protect/ value/ do it.
I acknowledge even as I write this that I’m oversimplifying/ complifying to you. We often need to learn these lessons either alone or FOR someone. I get it. And sometimes the things we do/explore in the wake of a relationship is what leads us to the next, better one. I’m just saying… don’t wait something’s over and let bitterness/disappointment as your motivation to become a better person. You might be surprised how your relationship will be affected if you do these things while you still have them.
That’s all. But what do I know?
I’m moving to 20. And it’s not only about “me” and “myself” anymore, I have so much more to learn, as an adult. Sometimes it’s about “you”, “her”, “him”, “us”, “them”. I’m happy for any challenges or adventures for me to explore in my life. The first two decades have been such an amazing grace and truly grand for me giving loved by so many people I can’t be more thankful for. Now it’s time for me to return, to show how much I have learnt, can endure, and to give.
it’s time to recall what I have learnt so far…
- Motivation and toleration give great potential for you to do amazing things.
- Friends come and go, but it doesn’t make any of them less valuable for you to be thankful for.
- The same way you embrace joyful and happy moments…embrace the suffering and difficult moments too.
- Most of the things that we think are so many “big deals” in our daily lives, probably are not.
- Our parents are a LOT smarter than we thought.
- Do not regret what you did not accomplish in the past days. Focus on what you want, and take actions NOW.
- Years really do get shorter and shorter, the people you love around you may disappear at any moment.
- ..and contrary to #7… Take your time to figure out yourself and life.
- .. a supplement to #8…Take your time, but don’t waste your time. There really is a difference.
- There is pressure, but remember #4.