u reli wana know?

Would you agree that some of the most important things should be preserved, be heard, but never spoken out?

I doubt that. I firmly agree that communication is crucial in any relationships. But sometimes if you choose to spill it all out, wouldn’t that be some kind of irresponsibility? Or selfish when you expect things will surely be changed as the way you want?

I do socialize, but I’m handicapped. I sometimes cannot give proper response in words which articulates my feelings. I tried mistakenly passing down messages I really did not mean so, and therefore got disastrous response or hurt someone dear to me. I disfigure information inside while I appear to be calm (or chill). Then I mess all the informations up then I don’t understand myself anymore. Still, I try to talk who I think may help to express. Part of me wants to share everything, part of me wants to spare the details.  (I’m not bragging on anything, this is not healthy at all)

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I’ve been on every side.

Knowing but holding back: I’ve had feelings and thoughts that I soooo wanted to tell the person, but held back for one reason or another.
Knowing and saying: Other times I would give in, let go of my emotions and spill everything with either heavy emotions or peaceful calmness, and receive both positive and negative outcomes as a result of such level of honesty. Usually, it is disastrous.
In the dark and wondering: Blocking out everyone, I’ve been the one who is wondering, losing sleep or suddenly losing track of things I’m paying attention to, thinking about what was going on in the other person’s mind… even what was on mine, and never knowing, still.
In the dark and finding out: And likewise, I’ve also wondered, and gotten an answer to put me at ease (or frustrate me more, most likely).


Holding back (being in control):

Of course, if the situation is urgently/ importantly needed to communicate, then it calls for honest conversations. But sometimes if I try to hold back in saying something, it is because I don’t want to things to be more complicated, or I don’t think anything will change by talking about it, or it’s already far past, and I don’t see it worthy to be brought up again. I refrain, and I wonder, then I refrain again. If someone can start up the topic for me, so that I don’t need to spend much efforts and take courage to do so.

The times I’ve actually been supported and succeed in speaking out, I get good responses too. They are happy to get what they wanted to know, I am also glad that my words are settled in their minds. It’s just after the honesty and communications, seems we simply return to where we begin. Nothing has changed. Mistakes just being made constantly and repeatedly. And I somehow feel being lied to, or.. abandoned. Then eventually, the willingness of speaking out my mind turned out to be slowly fading away. Is it giving up, or letting go…?

Other times I’ve definitely regreted saying it the next few days, and felt foolish.

Covered in dark (losing control):

I hate being in this position because, you’re covered in deep emotions, and you can’t do a damn thing about it. What’s worse, personally, I do think about every detail and try to find reasons to let go of. Yet, at every conclusion, I blame myself for everything and hold on to that for a very long time, wondering and questioning. I fear the truth, but I don’t run from it either, I just stare at it helplessly. Sometimes, knowing more does make you understanding less. “Ignorance is a bliss” seems to be right.

I don’t really know why did I express these thoughts with vague reasonings and poor organization*, but I think some of you may be able to relate to them, or know what I’m thinking.

hv you ever wondered… Why did our friendship go so wrong? Why did he behave the same? How come did I say so? Why did that happen? What could be next? How much tolerance do I possibly have? Where did she go? Where can he be? Why are they like this? Am I overly sensitive? How can I be so weak at handling this? What would he do if i..? How come he doesn’t want to talk about it? Does she/he really understand how I feel?….. the list goes on

On the other side.. I wonder how would I react if those questions are heading right back to me. How would I answer them? Do you know why our friendship went wrong? Where did you do when this happen? Why do YOU don’t want to talk about it? And also, do you seriously think you can talk frankly on these topics to make things better? im afraid abt the discussion before we can reach a solution

maybe there’s a more positive ways to think about this is.. to talk about sth that is more “useful” or causing a better effects on all parties. like when was the last time of you to tell somebody “i love you”, “you mean so much to me”, “our friendship is important in my mind”..? Also, when was the last time you heard these? knowing someone who cares so much about you makes you may want to stop and rewire to care back. at least for me, it is. it makes differences to hear and say such gd and caring things to ppl. but sometimes, dude, it just isnt…

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which is why i say, the things that needed to be honest, said n heard the most, r better left unsaid.**



* jk, I exactly know what im typin

**please do not take this entry as an inspiration to anything, it’s not very healthy at all. but if you want to say sth nice to ur ppl that can cause gd things to happen, then definitely do so, im glad 🙂


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