Back to You

First things first, they are malta, aka best thing ever.

Second thing, this blog is written longer than I expected. (pls dont mind)

Screen Shot 2016-06-25 at 10.31.05 pm
that time when we decided to spare some time and celebrate mid-autumn festival

My mom is… a really simple woman. She doesn’t have many hobbies, doesn’t go shopping for make-ups or fancy dresses, doesn’t go out to gatherings with friends. She always stays at home to continue her study on buddhism, and sometimes philosophy or sanskrit. What on her desk are no other than messy paper notes, thick books and different kinds of stationaries. The thing is, I know she wasn’t always like this. In fact, sometimes I hear snippets of stories of her past, about she went to parties with friends, aced at various sports, and how she was rebellious at school but still so popular among her classmates. But, somewhere along the way, it faded. Most of the reasons can are due to her responsibility to our family which she created with my dad… and me. But I feel the vibrant, talkative, and bright-eyed woman is still there.

Back then in the sweet old memories, she was all there for me.

My mom is a rather adventurous and creative person, she would tell me to imagine the bed was the only floating wood board on a lone sea which sharks and sea monsters were hunting for me (then she tried to kick me out of the bed). She would listen to songs and sing with me, challenging me to replace the lyrics to new ones and dance along with them at our “very best”. She would encourage and train me to speak up my dreams and tell stories to other children. She would accompany me to any activities back at school, and even join in. She was always willing to stay behind and watch me shine on stage. She scolded me solemnly when I was wrong, but taught me the most of the valuable moral lessons in life. Everyday I woke up wondering how would we joke around and have fun that day, sweet memories. With her, I’ve had the happiest childhood I could ever ask for.

Kawasaki disease struck me when I was 4, which means medium-sized blood vessels throughout the body become inflamed, it caused serious damage especially to the ones near my heart. Surprisingly and sarcastically, my mom was the first person ever who diagnosed the disease long before any professionals could. A doctor suggested just taking antipyretic could ease my pain regardless to the fact that I still couldn’t get any better, so my mom decided to look for the sickness’s real identity in a medical book according to my symptoms and doctors were impressed by her high level of the disease’s affirmation later on, and she even suggested them the medical pills (which is correct after all) to give me (mind you, she studied art in school). She didn’t sleep for nights to look after me, even not dared to leave me for a moment whenever it was. I was more than thankful when we were told by the doctors in hospital that if I was delayed for any moments more, I could have possibly died. As staring into her eyes on my sickbed in the hospital, I learnt what is love, what is the meaning of a “mother”.

little satan

I’m reaching 20, this is the time when I start to humanise my mom and dad. I’m starting to reach that same age and finally realise what they have gone through… To me, I have the best parents. Yet, they weren’t always just “Grown up”. They were young, lost, and scared just like me, they were human! I’m now able to understand the efforts needed to raise a kid, and try to realise how big is the responsibility to maintain a warming family and how harsh could it be sometimes. No matter it’s in the past or now, my mom faces plights,in her studies, her health, little Heidi’s bad manners, or some other problems. She breaks down, she cries to let the emotions out, she cries aloud too. But what touches me the most, is that she never gives up under any circumstances. She is hearing-impaired. She never knows how to speak English, neither can she pronounce the words accurately. But there she is, a year back then, just decided to pick up this fear again and started having English lessons, so that she can access to more information in other fields and benefit her studies. She isn’t the best learner, but she is a die-hard learner, able to insist and try on what she has promised to accomplish. Persistence is the strongest component in her.


“Without a dream, life is like a dead fish. But with a dream, is life fulfilled? People tell you to strive for high ideals, to Yolo, to experience as much as you can in life. But what are those things when death is near? Can you find life’s meaning? Have you found your value dedicated to it? Are you able to assure yourself to leave with no remorse?” asked mom, since I was little.

I am no longer the infant, the 12-yr old, the high school student needing everything in the world from her. I’m always telling her, she has nothing much to provide for me anymore. It’s time for her to return her life to her life. Whenever I bring this up, she seems so gratified, but confused at the same time. She lives a completely selfless life now. She takes care of our family, finds purpose in her studies to help people. Every few hours she knocks and walks in w/ a bottle of freshly filled water and a new cup, this act seems pretty normal, but I love it.



In recent years, I have an on-going issue with my mom.

Now it’s not about returning to the past or reminiscing the old sweet memories, but starting something new. I try to buy her new shoes and clothes since she won’t get them for herself, I encourage her to keep on her studies, I try to cook and do housework for her, but in the meantime… yes I’m keeping warm when I sleep, yes I’m trying to drink much water and eat enough vegetables, yes I am being kind and respectful to my friends and family, yes I will go to bed earlier, and yes I’d love to cuddle with you. Everything I want is everything that is here, in this family. You always complain that you don’t have enough time to look after us now, but what you do not notice, is how much you’ve done for us and others, and how long you’ve come along the way. Maybe it’s time for us to dedicate to you, to return our gratefulness to you. Back to you. I love you mom and everything you’ve done for me, starting even before I was alive.

Thank you

Screen Shot 2016-06-25 at 10.33.27 pmI know there’re too many Bryan Adams’ reference there.. but he’s just awesome, lets just admit it k?






Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s